Long Absence

I haven't posted in a while because I have been preoccupied with school and new job hunting.  What a nightmare.

I've had ups and downs and everything in between, so I'll try to get you all caught up on the events of the last few weeks...

My best friend got married right around Easter.  In addition to the dress shopping, fittings, bridal shower, bachelorette party, and all the craziness, Matt and I had a bit of a rough spot.  A major misunderstanding, if you will.  Lots of anger, lots of tears, and in the end, making up and moving forward.  I'm not getting into details since its our own private thing.

At the wedding, there was an old friend who made a fairly innocuous remark that sent me into tears at the reception (in his defense, he wasn't aware of what happened with Coraline).  Matt was great, though - he very tactfully explained what had happened & the guy apologized, so it was okay afterwards.  Overall, a really great time - they had a local brewery and winery provide drinks, and a taco/fajita bar instead of your standard wedding food fare.  And the weather was gorgeous, perfect for an outdoor wedding on the river.  There was a photo booth and the venue had a game room with Galaga and Donkey Kong, so the boys were happy.  It was really nice to just get out and have a good time, even Matt was dancing and he never does.  There may be video of us doing Gangam Style... I may have to get a hold of that and make sure it never makes its way to teh interwebs.

Matt tore down the garden fence that was falling apart.  I want to get a pink flowering dogwood tree for that spot, and a bench - make it a memorial garden for Coraline.  We're making more happy memories for her; even though its always sad, its comforting to have pretty/happy things to look at and remember her.

I painted our bedroom - dark greys accented by bright oranges - made it much more modern.  I've had the paint sitting in our garage for almost 2 years now, finally got around to doing it.  And then I put my foot IN a gallon of paint and spilled it on the carpet.  Cue hour-long crying fit, and here's why.  My scumbag brain likes to tear down the negative path at full speed, like this: Shit, its on the carpet, now its going to be stained and I can't find this paint again cause it's at least a year old and I won't be able to finish the room and the house will look awful and Matt's mom will think I'm a horrible housekeeper and its just another thing I fail at another thing that went wrong I can't do anything right everything is all my fault I hate myself and want to die.

Fun, huh?  No, I hate it, but that's how it goes sometimes.

Went out for drinks with friends on a weekend - had a really good time and spent about 30 minutes talking to a friend whose wife is due any day now.  Bittersweet, but he kept going on about how strong Matt and I are, how he broke down crying when he found out what happened to Coraline.  He could relate, being a father and an expectant father, and his honest outpouring of affection and concern for us was truly overwhelming.  I spent the ride home crying in the car, just out of missing Coraline and being so sad.  I hate that I'm like this so often - I feel like a sub-human, no way I can be a decent wife to Matt.

Had a horrible, horrible appointment with my psychologist.  I was telling her about the paint episode and the crying after the bar, and how I struggle with not letting my brain go down those wrong, dark paths.  Her response: I don't think you're trying hard enough to be happy.  I could have effing choked her.  She said I don't let myself be happy and that I'm only focusing on the negative and I'm trying, but not hard enough.

Well excuse the f*ck out of me.

It's been 4 almost 5 months since my daughter, whom we prayed for , begged for, planned for, loved and cherished, was born silent.  Only five months since that dream, that life, was ripped away from me, only five months since our lives were irrevocably changed.  Bite the shiniest parts of my metal ass, okay?  I don't always wake up on the best side of the bed, but I get up, fake a smile, get dressed, go to work, get crapped on, come home, take care of my family, rinse, repeat.  I'm doing the best I can with all I have, and sometimes just going through the motions is an endurance test beyond my physical capacity.

So, she's fired.  I'm not going back.  I've now determined that my "therapy" will come in other forms - in writing, in doing what I want and in doing good things, things that would have made Coraline proud of her mommy.  And screw anyone who tries to tell me what I should be doing or how I should be healing.

On top of that, I finally got my tattoo for Coraline, which turned out bigger and more gorgeous than I imagined.  I'm really pleased with it - its a great way for me to wear her memory outwardly, something to tangibly show the world how much she matters to me.  To show she is still real.

I finally got my Associates degree (you laugh, but its the first one I've gotten since leaving high school 13 years ago). Now I'm progressing toward my Bachelors, switching from Communications to Business Admin (more online classes and better prospects). 

And I started writing for an online magazine. Something I always wanted to do but never had the ovaries to tackle. 

So that's my update.  Stay tuned for more, since the crazy train is rolling again on this thing called life.  I'm back into the full swing of things, but there are still days I miss Coraline so much my heart breaks.  There's some band-aids holding it together, but its still fragile.