Realism isn't pessimism

Allow me to clarify...

I refuse to be fake, and plaster on a smile when I'm not happy, or when I'm deep in thought, or simply very tired.  I tend to not speak unless I have something of value to contribute to the conversation, which many take as me being "snobbish" or anti-social.

I've been told before to "look on the bright side."  To focus on the good and the happy.  To not think about the possible negative outcomes, because "no one wants someone who is always looking to be miserable." I've been told if I complain, I'm being a pessimist.  If I speak up, I'm ungrateful.  God forbid I actually get angry and express emotions - I'm "unstable" and irrational because feelings.  Any negative words are a slight against my character and others, and I "don't really mean" anything bad I may say.  (Spoiler alert - I totally do).


I am not a glass-half-full type of person, as much as society may try to push me to be.  I am also not a doom and gloom, tragedy abounds at every turn kind of person.  I simply prepare for the worst and strive for the best possible outcome.  I am not a pessimist - I am a realist.  I am a planner, a long-term thinker - you see a sapling, I see the forest and the approaching dry season that may bring a fire.  The downside of this is a lack of being able to appreciate little things.  The upside is I'm usually prepped for any possible contingency, or at least able to think on my feet enough to bounce back quickly.

I have experienced the proverbial "worst possible scenario."  I have been dumped.  I have been robbed.  I have been institutionalized, rejected, and failed at many endeavors over the years.  I have lost a child on the brink of giving her life.  And I am still here.  None of these things has killed me, though the last one very nearly could have.

I will continue to prepare for the worst case scenario, but instead of praying or "hoping" for the best, I will work my ass off for it like I always have.  I will go to all my appointments and take my vitamins, because my intention is to take every precaution and care for Archer just as I did with Coraline.  Am I terrified that a repeat stillbirth may occur?  Of course, every day.  I am only reassured every time I feel him move, or I whip out the doppler and hear his rapid little heartbeat.  Does that mean I will not celebrate this pregnancy and his birth with as much fervor as I did Coraline's?  No - his life has begun already, and I will honor it and him, regardless of the outcome.

Realistically, I knew what the chances were for a repeat stillbirth when I became pregnant with Archer.  I understood the risks, and made a calculated decision to proceed with having this baby.  I examine things on a very detailed and technical scale, weighing all the options and odds before proceeding.  It may seem cold and calculated, but it's simply how I internalize decisions, including important and often emotionally charged ones.  My desire to have Archer, to bring him into the world for his father and brother and sister, outweighed the possible negative outcomes, and there was my decision.

I have had nightmares - I have had dreams where I'm whisked away to the ER following an appointment where they couldn't hear his heartbeat, and everyone is stunned because of the repeat anomaly.  Then I wake up and feel him wiggling inside, and reassure myself with all the on-target health scores and ultrasounds and projections. 

I can't live my life in fear, but that doesn't mean it isn't there and I won't make every attempt to protect myself from harm. 

Codename:Duchess

We're having a BOY! Our rainbow, Archer Thomas, will arrive sometime after June 13th.

We had an ultrasound at the end of January that confirmed he is ALL BOY. Everything else is going swimmingly. I've had minimal symptoms and all my levels (proteins, glucose, iron, etc) are within normal range. I start going to the high-risk specialist in 2 weeks, just to make sure everything continues going perfectly.

We're also in the process of trying to purchase our first home. I found one I am absolutely in love with, and we're trying to finalize within the next 2 months so we are all moved in well before our arrival is here. :)

I've been doing much better at focusing on the positive things and pushing forward. I don't get nearly as bogged down in my depression as I used to. I still have a few moments of stressed-out crying, but hell, I'm pregnant and I'm allowed to, right? Can't control all of the hormones all of the time. Learning to cut myself a break is a constant struggle.

I did have a strange pang of guilt today - I heard a song (I Will Follow You Into The Dark) that made me feel... guilty for not following Coraline. I'm her mother, I should protect her and walk beside her and yes, that means into the beyond, if for nothing other than to hold her hand and make sure she is unafraid. But then I remembered the life I'm growing now, and Coraline's older brother who just had a birthday, and try to focus on them. I hope she knows I'm still here for her, and I would have followed her into the dark and beyond I could have saved her. All I can do now is keep her memory alive, and focus on her daddy and brothers and give them the best life possible.