Wreck-It Ralph is very bittersweet for me. It was the last movie we saw in the theater before learning we lost Coraline. We took Parker to see it, and on the way out discussed our plans - next year, we'd dress Matt up as Ralph and Coraline as a mini-Vanellope, complete with candy in her hair. Parker could be Fix-It Felix. And I'd take the pictures and document the adorable and we'd raise her on video games and science and nerdy things and we'd be the perfect complete geek family.
That will never happen. I can't even look at that movie without wanting to cry. It's weird the things that will trigger emotions. I cry more watching Up, but Wreck-It Ralph is on the "do not touch" list - I probably will never watch it again. It's the representation of all the plans and hopes I had, and how none of them are going to come true.
I have to tune out the news when I hear about the latest celebutard having their "perfect precious bundle of joy". It's making me a bitter person - I don't want to be, but I can't help feeling envious of their perfect lives with their perfect living children and their full complete happiness and their effortless success. I'm stuck in my pathetic job making my low-range hourly rate, struggling every minute of every day, but I'm supposed to be happy for the privileged rich and famous expanding their genepool. Eff that noise.
I feel like someone has grabbed the tendons to my heart that stretch through my clavicle to my shoulders - they pull and tug and play pinball with my fragile beating muscle, also cutting off my ability to inhale. There's a tug of war going on everyday inside my chest and most days I'm losing.
*Sigh*. Putting on my "I'm happy, you're happy, we're happy, everyone is hap-hap-happy" face to show the world again. Wish me luck.
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