The frustration of feeling one way and constantly putting on the opposite face. "I'm fine." "We're doing great, thanks." "No, we don't need anything." "I'm happy again."
Lies. So many daily lies I tell and show people because I'm too damn ashamed/embarrassed to admit that I'm a beaten, broken shell of a person. Smiling on the outside while inside I'm thinking "I wonder if the ceiling fan will support my weight?" Watching my husband try to keep a happy face while I know he's so tired, so very very tired, of having the be "the strong one" all the time.
I told him the other day I'm just biding my time, running out the clock, waiting for my turn to be over. I don't feel like this is living. This is just floating and existing, but not living. I go through the motions, I blend in with all the other productive and busy little ants, but I'm not here anymore.
Means of escape or distraction don't work. They may for a little while, but eventually I'm right back to this. And since life keeps finding new ways to shit on me while I'm down, it gets really really difficult to force myself back up.
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