All the "I Could Nevers..."

I joined a parenting/childcare forum when I found out we were expecting Coraline, sometime in early April 2012.  There were inspiring tales from women who faced the odds to bring their babies into the world, and heartbreaking ones who despite all efforts had failed.  I found myself in tears many times, and I had yet to experience my own personal loss.

Reflecting on it now, there were so many times I thought to myself "I could never..." and so many times since then that I've found myself re-phrasing that to "I used to think I could never..."  Because I have.

I told myself I could never survive losing my baby.
I thought I could never make funeral/memorial plans for such a little one.
I told myself I could never be as strong as some of the women who had late-term losses, who had pictures taken of their baby, who proudly displayed them in their home.
I knew I could never sort through an unused nursery, or pack up and give away items that were intended for a life cut short.
I thought I would never want to have another - I thought "there's no way I can be that one with the 'rainbow baby' ticker at the bottom of her posts."  How could I ever first overcome a loss and two be willing to put it all on the line again?

I could never....

But so far, I have.  I have my rainbow ticker, that says "26 weeks and 5 days pregnant!" at the bottom of every post.  I survived the loss of my daughter, which makes me both relieved and depressed.  I've accepted that there are risks and have met them head-on, choosing to have another baby and bring her brother into the world, hopefully healthy and happy.  I made plans for her - I packed up her nursery (after a while).  I quietly sorted through her clothes and toys and donated what wasn't sentimental enough to keep.  I keep her picture on my desk at work and home.

And I'm one of MANY.  Women really don't get the credit they deserve for the shit they are subjected to - the depths they have to reach to discover the strength they have to persevere.  I was an "I Could Never" for so long, but until I was faced with "You HAVE To", I couldn't accept my own strength and ability.  That was a gift that my daughter gave me - one that I never wanted, but in light of the situation, appreciate now.  We beat ourselves down so much by saying what we can't do that we don't realize just how strong we are, the amazing feats of resilience we accomplish everyday, sometimes just by getting out of bed and going about our routine. 

I'm trying to be better at positive reinforcement, of myself and others.  Instead of dwelling on what has gone wrong, looking at how I've managed to overcome and live with the tragedy, thriving in the face of it.  Through every storm there is a rainbow, that old chestnut.  But its mostly true. :)