Due Date

Today is Coraline’s due date.  The babycenter app on my phone was nice enough to remind me I was 40 weeks today, despite the fact that I disabled all reminders.  Last night was decent, Matt & I watched a movie and actually cuddled (we hadn’t been able to do that easily given my huge belly).  Then it was bed time.  I took my Ambien and waited.  And the events started replaying themselves in my head – never fails.  I lost it – I couldn’t make it stop, all I kept seeing over and over was the ultrasound, my screaming, the birth, the pain – over and over and over.  Matt stayed awake with me until I calmed down and finally the drugs took over and knocked me out.  And that’s how I sleep now – there’s no peaceful drifting off, no relaxation techniques or soothing herbal tea.  And part of me doesn’t want to come off the Ambien because I’m terrified of waking up in the middle of the night & being alone again.  Once I wake up my brain is ON, and I just want to be able to not think for a few hours to try and get some sort of “rest”.

                
This morning I woke up miserable.  It was raining, and I’m sometimes a bit foggy in the mornings.  At night, the nightmare replays itself in my head, no matter how much I try to focus on the good parts (holding her, our friends at the memorial, etc).  And in the morning, I don’t have the constant replay going, just the consuming ache and realization that it’s all still very real.  It was raining when I woke up, and it just made things more unbearable.