Three days after

We made arrangements for Coraline’s cremation today.  I knew today would be exceptionally difficult, and was tempted to just blur my mind with the prescribed Lortab, but I still wanted to be clear enough to remember everything.  My mother met us at the funeral home and we began the relatively short process of filling out forms and making final arrangements.  I held Bear the whole time. 

                
If you’ve never filled out a form for burial or cremation, especially in an infant loss, there are questions you never thought you’d be asked.  I tried to keep a clear head as I answered – was the baby pre-term, any defects in the baby or mother, any diseases, any medical complications.  No, no, no, no, no.  Everything I answered, aside from was a trial of labor attempted and was birth vaginal, was no.  It didn’t fully hit me until I had finished the entire form.  I put the pen down and just started crying.  Matt, as always, held me and let me cry.  But it killed me to have to fill in that form.  Not only was it the final record for our baby’s life, but there was nothing wrong with her.  I had a textbook pregnancy, zero complications, and she had zero defects/problems up until her stillbirth.