Huge mistake.
Between waking every hour and nightmares that gave way to the waking nightmare that is my life right now, huge mistake. First I dreamed that the hospital had me deliver my baby, umbilical cord, placenta and all, and then put it back. Then sent me home because I was only 38 weeks and I was to come back 2 weeks later to deliver her again. Repetitive nightmare that never ends, thanks for having me relive that scumbag brain.
Second horrible dream was that a couple was driving in a van down my street at night, arguing. Matt & I were in the garage, and watched as they pulled over, and dropped off a car seat with a one-year old child at the end of our driveway. The woman was driving, the man was telling her she had to get rid of the baby, who was crying. Matt was hesitant, but I told her I would take the baby for a week (since it was Christmas) and keep it if she still didn't want it after. She said the baby was a girl, named Collins (no idea why). Matt & I were in our daughter's room, before we had renovated it for her so it had our old couch and television in there, and I was trying to feed Collins. I was checking the bottle (Avent, the brand I used for Parker) and Matt was very distant/removed from us. In addition to the grab bag of crazy, Collins was a very verbose and well-spoken one-year-old. I asked if she wanted a bottle and she replied yes. But wouldn't take it. I asked her why, and she said 'because it was cold now." We decided to have apple-cinnamon Gerber snacks (again, same kind I used to give Parker) instead.
After this I woke up with that empty pit in my stomach and hole in my heart. I will never get to hold a one-year-old Coraline. No one is just going to come and "give" us a baby to heal our lives. I fell apart, right before Matt was leaving for work. I cried to him that nothing is going to bring her back, and that's all I want and it will never happen - it's beyond the physical capacity of anyone or anything. I live a nightmare when I'm awake, I have them when I sleep - I feel like I'll never be able to function without prescription drug assistance again. I don't want to be dependent on them, and I'm scared that's where it's going to lead. I'm scared all the time, scared to leave my house, my bed - but that just leaves me alone inside my own head, which continues the cycle of fear and doubt and pain.
It wasn't over yet - after Matt calmed me down (or at least got me to the point where I wasn't hysterically crying) I fell asleep and had another nightmare. I dreamed that Matt came back to the house to stay with me for a while, but was very distracted by his phone and computer. I was still in the same miserable state, and he couldn't or didn't want to deal with it anymore. He got dressed and left, laughing at me on the way out like he was completely callous to my suffering.
I told him I wish I had an ounce of the confidence he had that we're going to
make it - it would probably make the days easier. I don't even want to
get out of bed. I feel like I can't do anything. I can't find hope
anymore, it all just goes back to fear and pain and doubt. Even if I'm
okay for a little while, I know its all still there, under the surface
just waiting to come back and tear me down again. I can't pretend to be
happy or hopeful for a future without her in it. He keeps telling me its
going to come back, but i cant see it. I have no inspiration or
motivation. Totally lost.
And failing - I keep telling myself I'm not going to bother him with all
this while he's at work, then I end up dumping everything on him.
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