DDP Yoga

So, I've finally entered into a workout regimen.  For anyone who knows me, they know I hold several things to be absolute fact.  One - I love my children more than life itself.  Two - IKEA makes the best stuff and I hate the fact that my city doesn't have one causing me to drive 2 hours to get my Swedish furniture fix.  And Three - I. Don't. Workout.

Period.  The End.  I just don't - its not my thing.  I don't enjoy being sweaty.  I hate tying up my sneakers, squishing myself into a sports bra (that is NOT designed for big girls no matter WHAT the tag says), and wobbling around like a walrus on a tightrope for an hour, ending up gross and hurt and tired.

After sweating my ass off on our exercise bike, listening to Nerd Poker and forcing myself to do something even though I hated every second of it, I got frustrated (somewhat deservedly) with my husband.  Here's our convo:

Me:  I'm exhausted and I hate this and I'm fat and it's not working and I hate myself.
Matt:  I'm sorry.  You'll get there.  (returns to playing video games)
Me:  I'm doing this so we can try again, so I can be healthy and fit by the time we're ready to try for another baby.
Matt:  And I support you every step of the way.  (keeps killing zombies or monsters or robots or whatever onscreen)
Me:  (glare at him til he notices)
Matt:  What?
Me:  Well, I have to do all this work to get healthy, so we can have a healthy pregnancy/baby in the future.  And you have to do....?
Matt:  I guess I should do something too, huh?
Me:  It'd be nice.

So, to his credit, he found DDP Yoga.  Yes, Diamond Dallas Page, the wrestler, created a yoga program.  It started off as YRG - Yoga for Regular Guys - and progressed to a unisex program which, according to the catchphrase, you make your own.  I decided to try it with Matt, since I thought it'd be an easy intro to working out for someone who gets panic attacks walking into a gym.

Wow. Okay, my only yoga experience prior to this was on a management training seminar in Hawaii about 15 years ago - gorgeous setting, but way too focused on centering my Chaka-Khans or whatever.  I'm not into that.  This was intense.  Strength training, resistance, energy - without weights, bands, equipment or shoes.  That's the other great part of it - all I need is a mat.

It took a while for me to be okay with doing things for myself.  Every part of my brain was screaming "No, this is wrong - you shouldn't have this free time, you should be caring for your baby."  And part of my brain still screams at me whenever I do anything for myself.  But the yoga is part of a long term goal - to get to a healthy weight again so I will be comfortable trying for another baby.  So I set short term goals; exercise for 5 days a week minimum, eat healthy, get good rest, stay active and positive.

Most importantly, I'm taking care of myself again, probably better than I have in a long time, including before I was pregnant. And I'm doing it for myself, and I'm doing it for Coraline.  Everything I do is done in part for her - to honor her, to cherish her memory, to keep it alive inside me and become a beacon of strength and hope.  I'm getting hope back again.  DDP ends every session with "You can do this.  You can own this."  And that is my new mantra.

I love you, Coraline.  I don't say it enough, but I always feel it.  I will keep living for her.