The One With The Sonogram At The End

You know, I really should have known better.  It's in the title for crying out loud.

Ever since Netflix and the subsequent cancelling of our cable service, I've developed "temporary addiction disorder association".  The 'association' is there only so I can call it TADA!  I digress...

I hate waiting.  Patience is not one of my better virtues.  The months leading up to the next GoT season have been arduous, at best.  That said, I really enjoy being able to watch entire series without commercial interruption or season-ending cliffhangers.   I've watched Firefly, Scrubs, Burn Notice, My Name Is Earl, South Park, etc., all in this manner.

Enter one of my long-time favorite shows - Friends.  Which is NOT available on Netflix.  Bastards.  So, off I go to the interwebs in search of season one.  Get through the pilot episode and on to episode 2 - The One With The Sonogram At The End.  Staring me in the face like a big, blinking traffic light.  I hit play.  I enjoy the show, kind of oblivious despite the trip to the OB's office and the discussion of baby names.  Then, just as Ross is about to walk out of the room, I hear it.

Wub-wub-wub-wub-wub-wub.

If you try to force air out of your ears and count rhythmically, that's what it sounds like.  An echo-y, almost ethereal beat, like the kids haven't found the Jumanji game in the attic yet.  The sound completely threw me.  I was brought back instantly, to the first time we heard her heartbeat, the gender reveal ultrasound when my husband had tears in his eyes, and then the final ultrasound that was silent and heartbreaking (world destroying is also an applicable description).  Remembering... remembering, reliving and hurting all over again.  I ripped my headphones off and began sobbing.

I want that back.  I want to hear Coraline's heart beating, to know she was safe inside of me.  I want to feel her move again.  I want so many things I can never ever ever have. So many things, but really just one - just her.