Every day I seem to get a different song stuck in my head. Sometimes multiple songs. Often depends on what I listen to, but sometimes they come randomly. Several from Les Mis, even though by all accounts the lack of rhythmic rhyme drives my OCD up the wall. I can't say I always find comfort in the lyrics - often they plague me and bring me to tears if I focus on them too long - but they run through my brain nonetheless.
Today it's been "Lovely Ladies". Just happened to be the last song I heard on the way into work. It has no special meaning or coincidence, like most things in my life seem to now. It just is. I don't find the perfect lyrics or the perfect memorial items or the most appropriate dragonfly figurines. Sometimes they're there, sometimes not. More often not.
I feel dead inside. Even as I pour my heart out my words seem empty and meaningless. I don't know if it's my self-defense - my body and brain shutting off just enough to get through the days - or if I really have reached that point where I can't feel anything. Even now when I cry I can't let it go too long. I thought it was because I was worried I wouldn't be able to stop. Now it just seems like I've felt so much there's nothing left. Nothing worse to feel, and nothing better.
I don't want to be this terrified introverted martyr I seem to become. I want to be the bold, vivacious person I think my husband saw the first time we met. I want to be the outgoing, supportive friend, the sassy and energetic wife, the stern but compassionate mother. And I don't feel any of that. I don't feel, except for the constant ache like my chest is caving in and my womb is still screaming. And even that, I feel in silence.
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