Groundhog Day - stuck on repeat

I think he’s finally starting to get it.  It’s only taken me nearly breaking my hand for it to happen.

Saturday, the avoidance finally came to a head.  I was tired of tiptoeing around my closest friends and family.  Tired of the looks I get, whether it’s pity or fear or something else.  Pissed off that on top of losing my sweet daughter, I seem to have lost myself – my friends, my identity, my goals and aspirations. 

I flat out told him – I don’t want to be here anymore.  I think of killing myself all the time.  I would rather not exist than feel this way, because even the few good things I can grasp at don’t outweigh all the negativity that surrounds my thoughts.  It’s one of the only constant streams of consciousness running through my head all day – if I do this, will everything just stop?  Will I not care anymore?  Will anyone? 

He’s right – I won’t do it because of Parker.  Because I don’t want to put him through any more pain, and he’s been through so much already.  Because if I did Matt would never see him again, and he claims he’d be lost and sad without me.  But it’s not for me.  I still haven’t found a reason for me to stay. 

We talked sitting on the front steps – well, Matt talked and every once in a while I muttered something about how pointless everything was/is and how there’s no reason to go on.  He kept telling me “you have so much love to give, you care so much about Parker and me.”  I had to confess that the reason I’m so lost is that everyone else always came first – I’ve never put my needs or wants ahead of anything or anyone.  This is on the heels of my turning down what could have been a great job because it would strap us financially.  Is it the responsible, adult thing to do?  Yes.  Does it feel like another knife in the pincushion that has become my deflated heart, of course.  Its another thing I don’t get to have because other people come first.  It’s why when asked what I really want I have no answer.  I have no purpose, no drive, no motivation, no goals.  I’m not trying to play MarySue the Martyr, but I’ve wrapped myself up so much in other people’s needs and wants and sensibilities that I’ve lost sight of my own, and my identity.  I don’t know who I am or what I want or if I even have any desires.  Sometimes I think they’re all fabricated and reflect only others dreams for me.

He took a step back and looked at me funny.  “This is how you feel all the time, isn’t it?”  I let my tears answer.  He said I had so much love, so much I wanted to do for Coraline, and that’s why I’m so lost now.  It has nowhere to go.  I would have given everything for her, and that chance was taken from me, and now I’m just wandering.