Mister McF*cknugget

After an appointment with my shrink today, things are looking... different.  I don't know if I can say better, yet, but I am working towards breaking the cycle of negativity that comes from within.

My husband asked me to personify the voice in my head (I know, voice in my head - crazy, right? Really, it's just me, telling myself I'm no good, etc.) - he wanted me to put a face, a name, a persona to it, so I wasn't fighting myself all the time.  And what I pictured was extremely odd but made so much sense.  It's a well-dressed, slender man (think Don Draper meets Mr. Smith from Matrix) with a blank "everyman" face, except for the arrogant smirk he gets when he knows I'm beaten down beyond all measure.  He sits with one leg propped on the other, hands clasped in a "I'm-too-cool-to-be-bothered" nonchalant way, smirking and staring at me.

I even came up with a name for him - Mister McF*cknugget.

MMFN:  Hi, Joy - you know you suck, right?
Me: I know.
MMFN:  Everything you do is bad and you should feel bad.  You deserve everything you get, because you're a terrible person and destined to suffer.
Me: You're right.
MMFN:  Here, I've brought some old movies - lets replay every instance in which you were ever embarrassed or rejected, on repeat.  For funsies I also brought along all the people who've hurt you and hate you.
Joy: Okay.
 MMFN:  Popcorn?
Joy: Sure, than-
MMFN: (snatches bowl away) No, no, you shouldn't - you look like Jabba the Hutts diabetic mother.

And on, and on, and on...  this guy won't shut up.  He likes to poke his head in whenever I'm feeling down about something, just to keep that self-hate train going, to drive me further and further into the depths.  Then there's this...

MMFN:  So... how are things?
Joy: Um... okay, I guess.
MMFN:  Nothing bad happened recently?
Joy:  Not that I can think of.  Actually, things are looking up, I just found out-
MMFN: WAIT.  IT WILL GET WORSE.
Joy:  But-
MMFN: NOPE. YOU SUCK.
Joy: Aw, that's not nice...
MMFN:  So's your face.

He really is a prick.

So my new focus is shutting him up.  Or ignoring him, but then he degenerates into a kid poking a dead jellyfish with a stick, but never gets stung.  He doesn't feel pain, but absolutely revels in mine.  Here's how I'd like to see the conversation go in the future...

MMFN:  You're terrible.
Joy:  I know (whistles).
MMFN:  Why are you so happy?  Your daughter's death was your fault and you deserved it.  You have a horrible life and will never amount to anything.
Joy:  Well, that's just not true.  And it's my life, not yours.
MMFN: Nu-uh!  I own you!
Joy:  But I'm terrible, right?
MMFN:  Well... yeah.
Joy:  So why would you want to claim possession over such a broken, awful being?  It makes you no better than me, according to you.
MMFN:  But... wait, but...
Joy:  And I don't have to be perfect, or right, or even good all the time.  I just have to keep trying, and accept my faults, and forgive myself.
MMFN:  But... you can't - you're permanently flawed and you suck and your face is stupid!  Stupid, I tell you!
Joy:  Hey, uh, MMFN?
MMFN:  What?
Joy:  F*ck off and die in a fire.
MMFN: Nooooo!!! (fades to pixelated nothingness like Sark in Tron)

I think I need more help than I'm getting currently, but it's a start.