Back to... normal?

Had lunch with my work team today.  It was actually good to see them, despite all my anxiety and the strained relationship we've had the past few months (I was not the most enjoyable person while pregnant... okay, I was a downright bitch at some times).  But they all seemed genuinely glad to see me.

Then came the hard part - sharing Coraline's baby book.  I feel terrible - I made all of them cry.  I was surprised I held it together & didn't get emotional.  I told them to please feel free to talk to me and ask me questions about my daughter, because it doesn't bother me to talk about her, it makes me proud.  I know it was a shock to them - Ive seen the pictures, hell, I was there - but I think they all were genuinely sad for my family and I.

I made the decision to go back to work next week.  I can't take another two weeks sitting at home, letting the negativity in my brain consume me while I try to fill the empty days with mindless housework.  At least if I return to actual work, I'll be contributing financially and be out of the house, forced to interact with others (cringe).  I don't know how it's going to go - I have to try and put that strong face on, just to get through the days.  I know I'll probably keep myself slammed with work, just to keep my mind off my sadness so I can make it through my 9 hours without losing it.

I want to carry her with me.  The more I think of it, the more I want the tattoo I designed.  It's a dragonfly with her name as the body.  I want it on my left wrist, for two reasons: one, so I can see it everyday.  Not that I'd ever forget my baby girl, but I want her to be a part of me still.  And two, so I never ever ever try to do anything to hurt myself.  She was a part of me - I provided her a home for 8.5 months, I need to treat my body with respect and make it a safe place for her brother(s) and/or sister(s).

I want another baby. I want twins. Mostly I want Coraline back, which my husband gently reminds me every time I break down sobbing that is never going to happen.  If he could give her back, he would.  If I could have saved her, I would.  Nothing will replace her - but I have to keep going.  For Matt, for Parker, and yes, for Coraline.  I don't want her "legacy" to be "her mom went insane and destroyed her family and ruined the future".  I want it to be "her mom found the strength to go on without ever forgetting her and provided a beautiful life for her family."

I never had a reason to live a good life.  I never had a reason to strive to get into heaven.  I have a reason not to give up, and not to hurt myself, and to be here for my family.  I want to see her again.

The pain will come, everyday at some point.  And (almost) everyday I will cry over her.  The days I don't I usually make up for by having hours-long snot-dribbling sobbing sessions.  But it's out of missing her, and loving her, and wanting her here and not understanding and trying to plan for a future without her.