Goals, Resolutions and Direction

I have none.  Okay, I have goals, but no direction.  I feel like I've been bucked from the horse, thrown from the path, derailed - and having a really difficult time regaining that compass point.

Before Coraline's birth/death, I knew what I wanted.  I knew what was going to happen - I'd stay home with her for a few weeks, return to work, continue with school and apply for new jobs while I had the time off.  Now, with less time off of work (they don't give "baby bonding" time to angel moms) and the past few weeks being in a complete fog of grieving, I feel like I'm slipping down the hill.  Sliding backwards into the only thing I know - my horrible current job.

I don't know what I want to do with the rest of my life.  I only know I don't want to spend it at *Dunder-Mifflin*.  I hate my career path, if you can even call it that.  Not to brag - I'm halfway decent at it.  But harassing people for money isn't my life's calling.  I just don't know what is.  Matt keeps trying to assure me that my writing is my true passion - but even that has lost its luster.  Nothing is appealing or enticing, or even mildly amusing at times.  Some days it takes a verbal pep talk just to get me out of my pajamas and into real clothes.

I'm so lost, and there's no guidebook for this.  I take most of Matt's suggestions (unless its something I just don't want to do) because it's easier than thinking for myself.  It's easier for me to accept someone else's recommendation because my head is so clouded and full of doubt.  I doubt every decision I make, and even the ones I haven't made yet.

I lost everything when I lost Coraline - my compass, my schedule, my plans, my hopes, my dreams, my desire, my passions...  I feel like now, since I don't have a newborn to care for, I owe it to her memory to do something with this extra time - I don't want it wasted.  I want to get to a point where I can either take off or work from home if/when Matt & I decide to have another baby - hopefully one that gets to come home with us.  I wish there was a magical degree/career path test that could predict the future and determine what my path should be.