Nothing will ever be the same

Now I’m just getting irritated with my husband.  Why do you even ask if I’m crying anymore?  Why do you think I am?  Have you forgotten already?  I just want to scream sometimes – our daughter is dead – I’m more surprised I stop crying as long as I do.

I hate that he seems to be "over" it already.  It hasn't even been 2 months, and he's back to his same old happy-go-lucky self.  W.t.f.  I feel like I'm a completely different person, like I'm a stranger walking around in my own skin, and he's acting like it never happened.  Like I wasn't pregnant for 8.5 months, like we don't have an untouched nursery shut off from the rest of the house, like someone isn't missing from our lives.  I don't know if he feels differently than what he's portraying, because he doesn't tell me.  But I'm expected to tell him everything.

I know I shouldn’t be angry at him.  I’m just angry at everything.  Parents who don’t appreciate the blessings they have.  People who ignore me because they “don’t know what to say”.  Idgaf, you say something.  That’s a piss poor excuse for protecting your own fragile ego.  And then I’m pissed at everyone else for not feeling as terribly as I do.  And pissed at myself for being so stupid, so naïve, and so alone.

There's two of me now - Joy pre-Coraline and Joy post-Coraline.  I haven't decided who the latter is going to be yet.  I think it's going to be a work-in-progress for the rest of my life.  

I want to know why.  I want to scream "why my daughter" all the time.  Was it because I ignored that homeless guy begging for change that one day?  Maybe because I cut that woman off in traffic.  Or made a stupid drunken comment to someone years ago.  I always thought karma existed.  But I feel like even karma is shaking it's head saying "I got nothing."  What did I do to deserve this?  What did Coraline do?