Who am I angry at? Who do I direct all this hatred and frustration towards? Matt keeps telling me not to blame myself, but there's no one else at fault. A traumatic accident, in every sense. I don't know if this is better or worse than losing someone to violence or illness. I'd have someone, a criminal or failed system, to campaign against if Coraline had been killed. If an illness took her, I'd have something to devote my life researching, trying to prevent and/or cure, or raise awareness.
But there's a void when I try to point the finger - the same emptiness I feel inside exists without, when I look for answers. There are none. She was perfect, everything was ready, I was healthy. And then she was gone.
I hate that my brain won't let me rest until I have a "logical" explanation, especially in cases like this where there is none. I've spent so much time trying to understand and justify my feelings that I can't relax and let them just exist, and I fear my grieving is going to take much longer as a result. I feel things - horribly painful things - and then I try to analyze why I'm feeling it.
Simple answer: my daughter is gone. Why can't I just accept that? Why do I feel the need to over-analyze every emotion to exhaustion? I know I need sleep but I agonize over taking the prescribed medication because I'm scared I'll get addicted and never be able to sleep normally (even though I had horrible insomnia before) and then I feel guilty for being so stupid and cowardly or for sitting up crying and then Matt doesn't get any sleep but I still don't feel rested...
And now I feel stupid and guilty because this has become more about my own feelings and inability to cope than about her. I've always believed human life is the most valued and cherished thing on the earth - as long as there was life there was hope, regardless of the circumstances to which that life had been reduced. Without it... there's nothing. Without her... I have nothing. I feel I owe her my life because hers was taken - I would give it gladly. Death had not touched me so closely until Coraline. It's indescribable to have death exist within you while your own heart is still beating - you think it should stop. If Death is that caricature with the scythe, will he recognize me when my time comes, like a familiar stop along the way? Like he's been here before? Will there be any pity or comfort? Or will I just be another tally mark? Will I see my baby girl again?
So many unanswered questions... I'm not only living with the grief, the regret, the guilt, the shame, the horror, the fear, the paranoia, the doubt and the emptiness - but the knowledge that these things will never be "put at ease" - not by any words spoken or written, not by any comforting glance or sincere gesture. Not by my husband, my son, or anyone else that I know. Time does not "heal" wounds - time only turns them into scars, that are still vulnerable and sore. I feel like by not allowing this to break me, I'm dishonoring Coraline - if she meant so very much to me, why haven't I let it destroy me yet? In getting "stronger", I feel its just weakness of constitution.
Enough - I need a list of things that I am still living for...
1. If I allowed myself to go fully batshit crazy, my son would be taken from me.
2. If I went insane or killed myself, my husband would never see his stepson again, which would break his heart.
3. My husband loves and needs me.
4. My son loves and needs me.
5. I want Coraline to be proud of me.
I also need to start making new goals...
1. Continue with my education - hopefully earn my bachelors (recently completed associates).
2. Find a new career - I don't want a job, I want a passion - something I get excited about when someone asks me "what do you do for a living?"
3. Lose at least 20 lbs - fit into my size 10 jeans again - look and feel better, more toned.
4. Stay healthy - eat healthy, less to no alcohol, no dangerous vices.
5. Finish my major house/garden projects.
All of this leads up to....
I want another baby. I want a brother or sister for Parker and Coraline. Matt and I are both young, healthy, capable, fertile and most importantly loving parents. I'm willing to go through the hell of pregnancy again if it means holding a living child in my arms within the next 2 years. I'd even want twins (but they're not in my genes, apparently). I want to give Parker a sibling and Matt the child he undeniably deserves. I don't want to replace my sweet Coraline - nothing ever could. But I have all this extra love with nowhere to place it - we need another baby. Or even two - I told Matt I want two more, at least.
That was my theory to begin with - I'm young and fertile, I owe it to myself and all mothers to have another baby. And now, I owe it to Coraline, and Matt and Parker, and myself. We need our rainbow, once I'm done healing. I want to wait until her birthday has passed, which seems so very far away, but will probably be here before I turn around. It's already been over a month, and I feel like I just walked in the door from the hospital yesterday. Coraline lives in us now, it's the only place she was ever alive - I think she was too pure for this earth, our level of love for her was too much, or just enough, so that she didn't have to experience this world to be "complete". She was perfect, and untouched by any physical/earthly complications - she was too good for this place. I feel privileged to have been allowed to hold her for the months I did, to feel her move, and to know that she was ours.
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