Checkup today

Doctor checkup today - everything normal.  At 162 lbs.  I'll take it, considering I was up to almost 190 with Coraline.  I'd rather be that weight with her alive in me again, though.  I'd rather have my baby girl and be a gigantic walrus than lose weight and be broken without her.

But, I've healed.  My body always bounces back - even when I've been super sick, I end up recovering quickly.  Which I guess is a good thing.  But its not like I even have a reason to stay home now, other than emotional recovery.  But I still feel broken.  Completely shattered.  I don't know how to go back to doing halfway normal things.

Took Parker to the zoo today, for his last day of winter break.  Proves how out of shape I am - my back is killing me after walking around for 3 hours.  He had a blast.  I couldn't help but notice all the babies and strollers - easily a 4 to 1 girl to boy ratio, too.  It killed me a little inside.  Here I am, walking around with my almost-10-year-old, and all these moms are just enjoying their babies and the wonderful weather.

I feel like I'm going insane, but on the inside.  I don't show any of these things on the outside.  They just ping around inside of me and I eat them with a side of indigestion.  Parker catches me off in space sometimes - he's asked me a lot more lately "what's wrong, mom?"  And I always say "nothing, I'm fine" because he doesn't need to know his mom is literally dying inside from losing his sister.