Double Whammy

There is no rest.  Things are never easy.  I should stop looking for the silver lining so hard - if I have to look this hard, chances are it's not going to appear.

Today, I went back to work.  The one place I didn't want to be, but it was still better than sitting at home pitying myself.  So, put on the game face and soldier on.  Actually what happens is my brain takes over - I hate my scumbag brain for constantly shoving all this negativity into my immediate vision.  The logical/rational side silences the constantly raging emotional side into submission.  I feel fake - I feel empty and fake and ruined, and that is what people see.  I don't know what hurts worse - the consistent pain and depression, or the fake, forced smile I wear around everyone.

Work itself wasn't bad.  My teammates actually got me flowers and balloons as a welcome back.  The hard part was the look of absolute terror on some people's faces when they saw me.  Hi, yes, I'm back at work 6 weeks after delivering my stillborn baby.  No, I don't want to be here.  Yes, I am wearing nice clothes and makeup to try and make myself feel better.  No, I'm not okay, but I'm not about to let you see it.  Yes, I do still go home and sob uncontrollably into my husband's shoulder.  Some people actually took one look at me, spun heel and ran away.  I feel I owe them an apology - I'm so sorry you're uncomfortable with my presence.  Terribly sorry for inconveniencing you with my loss - how does that make you feel?  Cause I feel like horrible shit every. single. day.

I know I should expect this - no one talks about grief of any kind.  Nowadays you're almost expected to be this "pillar of strength" when something horrible happens.  I don't want to be anyone's damn role model.  I want to be able to fall apart and show my emotions and not have to hide them behind a mask of politeness and social grace.  It kills me because my daughter was just as beautiful as anyone else's baby.  I want to talk about her, show people her pictures, share her beauty.  But I can't because it's "awkward" for others.  It would make them "uncomfortable". 

I want to get past that point - just be able to say "screw it" and wear it all on my sleeve.  I hope to get there someday - someday when the hope outweighs the fear and the want outweighs the what-ifs.  Concerning everything.  I want to give my husband the son or daughter he deserves and my son the brother or sister he's been so patient for.  I wanted to give Coraline the life she deserved, but that will never happen.  I can either wallow in my self-pity and the mourning of her, or cherish and honor her memory and try to carry on.

And my cycle started today.  Terrific.