Sharing her story

Sweet baby girl - we finally shared your pictures with everyone who had yet to see them.  Precious and beautiful do not even begin to describe you.  We are so privileged to call you our daughter, and to have had the opportunity to be your parents.  The pain of your absence is felt every second, but the love we have for you and each other is starting to overpower the sorrow.

I'm starting to accept my tears as an everyday occurance.  They are starting to become a part of my daily routine, though not on a set schedule.  I'll just get a thought of my sweet baby and they come.  I'm learning to let them, to allow myself to cry and feel bad, while knowing it will still be okay.  I cannot grieve her so fiercely, mourning the loss of her life, and turn around and take my own - what a contradiction, what hypocrisy.  I would have given anything to save her, up to and including my own life.

I'm starting to look to the future.  I'm starting to plan, at least a little, but more so starting to get things done.  Things I've put off.  Life is so short, but at the same time, I have years before me to accomplish so many things in her name.  I never imagined she wouldn't be here.  Never in my wildest dreams did it occur to me that I'd go through pregnancy, labor, delivery... and come home empty handed. 

Coraline, your father has saved me on more than one occasion.  He has pulled me from the brink and supported me through all of this, and I wouldn't be here now if it wasn't for him.  He would have been an excellent daddy for you - you would never have doubted his love for a second... he would have been wrapped around your finger.  You already had our hearts, from before we even heard yours.

I need to start planning your garden now - I spent all day working outside, mowing the lawn and trying to spruce up the patio - I need to create a space to honor you, filled with dragonflies and flowers and new memories.